well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
