Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
