I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
