if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
