I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
