I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
