i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So many bounce houses so little time
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
