I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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