I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
