As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
