i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
