Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
