They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
