You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
