just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
