Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
