something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
