he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
