Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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