Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
