If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
