Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
