I think I won the penis lottery.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
