Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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