there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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