Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
