I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
