his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
