2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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