I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
