just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
