my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
