Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
