So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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