Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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