im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
