I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
