you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
