We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
