she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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