break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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