we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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