He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
