So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
