i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
