I could have mohawked her pubes.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
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