The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
