Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
