accomplished twins. life is a go
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Someone came in the potted fern
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
