4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
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We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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