So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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