is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If that was your dad, he is hot
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
