Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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