Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
