I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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