it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My penis needs a shock collar
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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