I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
